Is This How You Get a New Kink?

 I had a dirty dream. I don't have them all that often, in spite of the fact I have a fairly high sex drive, even while entering into perimenopause (which I think is happening on the early side just to really bloody annoy me).

Get back to the point Feral. 

Oh, alright then. So I had a dirty dream, and I think that's probably what you're here for. I was with someone, I don't think it was my ex. Or The Accountant who was back in my life at that stage, albeit briefly, like he was contracted for an unwelcome guest spot.

Feral, you're off the point again!

You're right. Because who it was is not really all that important. The thing was, they had me tied up. On my front, legs and arms bound, knees folded under me and arms to my legs. I think that's right. I was for sure on my front and curled in a ball. I had a ring gag in as well. And I was getting rented out. At least I think that's what was happening. I don't think I was being straight-up sold.

And it was pretty hot. I don't remember any more details than that. This was a while ago, I'm amazed I remembered as much as I did. Yeah, sorry if you were expecting a long, very steamy little story. Kinda blue-balled you there a bit I think. Oops. Well, I do like to tease.

Now, onto the title of this post. Because here's the thing. It was hot, and the idea of it turned me on. The fantasy got me going. And that's pretty weird, as I am strictly monogamous and the only person that decides who I fuck is me. (Ok, it's a mutual agreement, but the point is, I'm a "love the one you're with" sort of woman.)

So that dream should not have been sexy. If anything, it should have been a nightmare. And yet I still think it's pretty hot. Is this a new kink I didn't know about? Is this how you get a new kink? Your brain just decides for you "Yup, we're into that now. Enjoy." 

It's for sure a fantasy I want to keep as a fantasy, not one I want to make a reality. My ex from many moons ago did not believe in fantasies staying fantasies, he thought if it turned you on you absolutely wanted to do it. But I disagree. There's no way I could do that and feel safe or comfortable. So let's be honest, it's never going to happen. Which I'm cool with.

But still, is this how you get a new kink? Because I think I have a new kink.

At Least I Dodged the Bullet the Second Time

 Yeah, you read that title right. This is all about the bullet I dodged the second time. Because sometimes I learn from my mistakes. Even if my previous blog post might argue that.

I had found myself back on the dating scene. My relationship with the bloke that was never half-arsed having come to a very amicable end, for a second time. I didn't like the username I had previously and started myself a new account.

The site was dying on its arse, and honestly it was just interesting to see the usual suspects. Some things never change and I get the vibe most of them would be around until it finally went down for the last time. But I digress.

So, with my old account the way of the dinosaur, I rejoined and was soon getting messages, including from an old flame. If you read my first post, and you should, stellar rant that one, you'll find a familiar face is about to make a return. Do you remember the depressed liar that outsourced all my domming to an app? Well, he messaged me! Of course, he did not know it was me. I hadn't used a profile photo of myself, because I value my privacy far too much.

I won't lie, curiosity got the better of me and I did open the message. And if that had been his opening gambit the first time around I'd never have fucked him to begin with. And I am still ashamed to say I did and wondering if a bleach bath would help. (Look, I don't have many regrets, but that is one of them.) I can't remember what it said exactly. But this time around, my flesh crawled. Maybe because I knew what he was really like.

I didn't respond to him, of course I didn't! Not even to say I wasn't interested. Sometimes it is best to just not engage. Particularly with the guy that asked the back of your head to marry him. Eight weeks, did I mention it had been 8 weeks. And I was the only one with a proper income. And he wanted me to quit my job and up sticks to his. You really can't make this shit up. Prick told me he was self employed. Self bloody unemployed as more accurate. 

Ok Feral, deep breaths, it's over.

But the story is clearly not over. Because that in and of itself is not a story is it? Not really. Are you ready for the end? It might be a bit anticlimactic after that rant. But I'm going to share with you anyway. Because this is, after all the bullet I dodged the second time around.

That was not the last message. You see, my profile had confessed to a love of humiliation, verbal humiliation to be exact. It's my biggest kink. It's the cheat code to drenching my underwear and getting an orgasm out of me. Yes, this is important back story.

He decided to send me a second message. Part of it a goad that I didn't have the stones to reply to him. But he thought it was also appropriate to throw some verbal humiliation my way to "get me off." You know, just like I did not consent to at any given point.

I should have felt a bit sick, maybe even violated. And it tells you just about everything you need to know about the cunt. The one that went on and on to me about consent and boundaries the night we first spoke. Back when I fell for the bullshit.

I was just annoyed. I rolled my eyes and slammed that block button so hard I'm amazed it didn't go through my phone. And that is how I at least dodged a bullet the second time around.

Actual  footage of me dodging the bullet, probably

That Time I Should Have Known Better

 I really fucked up with a bloke. I'm hardly the first to say that, but here we are. Since I'm no saint and am far as it gets from perfect, I thought I'd tell a story of my own stupidity. Oh, and when I also happened to predict the future.

So, this will require a little backstory...

I met two guys around the same time and made the mistake of dating the stoner who wasn't really going anywhere in life over the guy who basically worshipped the ground I walked on. Because I was convinced I was just dating the second guy because it felt "safe" yes I am fully aware of how dumb that sounds. But the long and the short is, I called time very abruptly on the second guy, we'll call him accountant.

Nearly 5 years later I was still with stoner, and miserable. He had gone on and on that he wanted to be in an open relationship (oh, that made me feel good) and in the end I told him to go for it. He decided he wanted me to be bonking other people too. So I rejoined a kinky dating site. A few days in, the second guy messaged me. We quickly took the messages off-site. I was out of my gourd on LSD at the time (I'm not an example to follow, ok?) and I had a sudden thought, this man is going to break my heart. Is there a hard drug equivalent of in vino veritas? Because there bloody well should be!

I already knew I hated being in an open relationship, I was the only one capable of getting their leg over with someone else, and he very much made that my problem. It's almost like women don't find entitled, depressed stoners that always have to have their way sexy. Funny that. I decided to leave. Accountant and me were messaging around the clock and organising meeting up. Then one day, the messages stopped. 

I got fucking ghosted!

It really fucked me up, I already didn't have the greatest trust when it came to relationships and this just ended it altogether for me. Just as I had said, that man was going to break my heart. And her did. 

Last year, when I had been ditched last minute by my so-called Dom, I got shitfaced, don't worry I've quit the hard stuff and was just white-girl wasted on wine. I logged into that dating site and drunk messaged accountant. But I was hammered and thought nothing of it. I'd never hear from him, right?

Wrong! Late summer, he sent me an email. He apologised and we talked again. We kept trying to sort out a time to meet up, but our diaries never matched up. I tried to sort something out. He wanted another shot, but the messages were half-arsed. Then one day, he didn't reply. 

Fucker ghosted me again!

But I actually didn't care this time. I knew that he was not the same person, he was unreliable. And when I didn't hear from him I felt this weird thing.

I felt relief. I felt like I could draw a line under who we were and finally move on. I still think about him every now and then, and I don't know if he is no longer my go-to drunk message. I doubt it. But at least I can say I'm over him. I do hope he stubs his toe. It's the least he deserves.

Tiring of the Bare Minimum

 I've noticed this funny thing about relationships. You're in them and it's all good for the first couple of months and once the guy says the first "I love you" they just stop putting effort in. Ok so it's not funny as in haha. But it is definitely something I've noticed.

And here's the thing, I've become tired of it. It's like something in their head clicks and says "Ok, I've got her now, so I don't have to keep putting in the effort to keep her." You try and be flirty, they shut it down because they're not in the mood (they never are, apparently), you send a message, it gets left on read and you don't hear from them until it's a goodnight message. There's a change and I don't like it.

I've had it recently, the affection rapidly dried up and part of me wanted so desperately to believe that it would come back. Then one day, after yet another excuse, I realised something, I'd given up. This was not a rough patch, the man I loved had thrown in the towel.

This was not even the worst of it, I was with a guy for what ended up being about 8 weeks. He love bombed me and as I had not been in a BDSM relationship in so long, I'm ashamed to say that I fell for it. Even as old as I was and aware of it. It was not long until the mask slipped, I had dived into a relationship with a man that was severely depressed, was lying to me about things as important as his age and was living in a shit hole of a room that looked more like it needed to be condemned. And on top of that, had managed to outsource all domming of me to a bloody app! 

Yes, I am still mad at that one. Both at him and myself. He will be coming up again, I am sure.

Now, I know that BDSM relationships are hard work, I'm under no illusion there. I've been in and out of kink/BDSM relationships since I was 19 and I'm about to hit 40. They have ebbs and flows, some times will have more kink that others. It can be hard to maintain your dynamic when the real world and day-to-day aspects like the washing up, job stress and all that start seeping in. But to vanish altogether? That's something I did not sign up for.

Because actually, it does not dry up altogether. They've got no problem expecting you to keep getting up to make them cups of tea, clean, make dinner, you name it. You turn into unpaid labour, you're a bangmaid without the bang. It's not BDSM, it's that they couldn't be arsed or couldn't afford to pay for a skivvy and you're in the frame. They'll also happily tell you all the things you can't do with your body, from cutting your hair to getting a piercing. Because they're the Dom and they are in charge. But that's where their effort begins and ends.

It doesn't just end there, there's the guilt for saying that I miss the BDSM, that I want it back. I should just be glad that they want to occasionally flip me over try to thrust their cock into my very dry cunt and give me their most mediocre 5 minutes. Because that's humiliating right? And that's what I like. No, it isn't humiliating. It's a turn off and I'm tired of it.

So that's why I am here, Miss Feral, the once owned and domesticated has released herself back into the wild. And maybe that's where I shall stay. Perhaps I am not built to be owned. Perhaps I'm not built for long term. I'm the thrill of something new, perhaps the untamable after all.

There was a guy who wasn't quite so low-effort. Nice bloke, and I feel credit where credit is due applies to him. Not that he is ever going to stumble upon this. But we were together for over a year and while I had grown bored, he was not kinky and I was, he never gave me the half-arsed vibes. But this post is not about him. But I hope wherever he is, he got his shit together and found Miss Right. He deserves to be happy in spite of his flaws.